Can I ask you a weird question?

So today I called up to make a hair appointment. It's time to get a trim, I decide. So I identified myself and asked for Brenda. Turns out her daughter had a baby last night and she is off today. BUT, do I have a minute? Am I ready for a weird question?

I say, "Okay. Go for it."

She says, "You better sit down."

I'm laughing. Fine. Then she hems and haws. "I don't know how to start," she says.

"Just do it." Me and Nike. That's our motto.

So she launches in: she knows a really nice, smart lawyer. She really likes him. He's been divorced, but no kids. He has a dog that he really likes--"just like you like your dog so much!" Wow, a match made in Heaven.

She keeps going--no breath in between--he wears COWBOY boots! He's smart. She thinks he's safe--doesn't know what kind of house  he keeps--but he's called her when he was fixing a leak, so he can do some plumbing. "He'd be HANDY," she says.

Are you laughing yet?

He's really smart. Did I say that already? He lives in Trinity Center. He RIDES horses. His practice is in the Bay Area. So how could you have a real relationship anyway? "You're just like that--super busy--so maybe you could have a dinner every now and then. . . . I really like him," she says.

Snort, yet?

Finally, she breathes. I say, it makes me feel awkward and weird. No.

Well, she says (she's a quick breather), well, I MARRIED my blind date. Yep, TONI set us up, she says. OH and SHIRLEY was in on it, too!! (I can feel the vibes coming through the phone--having Shirley on it makes it an even BETTER idea.) She doesn't slow down, though. We could do it in a social setting. I wouldn't make it EMBARRASSING, she finishes.

I know she can hear me breathing-getting ready to say something-but she doesn't let me in. She's on a roll now.

He's smart. (Is that 3 times?) You can have a conversation with him. That's important AND he's well written. You would like him.

Good gravy train. Don't pee on yourself.

I said, thank you for thinking of me. I don't think so. I don't have time. Thank you for trusting me with your friend. I'm flattered. But no. Awkward.

She says, it so weird you called today. I was just thinking coming home from Weaverville that I needed to find someone for him--and then YOU CALLED.

I told her next time I am not going to identify myself. I will hang up after she says, "Brenda's off today."

It will sound like this: "Okay, thanks! BYE!"